Planning His Demise
by Lehrain
Summary: Smeagol has never gotten along with Sam, "the fat hobbit", and so it leads him to planning all sorts of ways to kill him. These range from absurdly elaborate ideas to simple ones such as tossing him into a river. However...he never follows through with any of them. Written in a journal-type format.
1. Chapter 1: First Death

**Hey, everyone! This is a just a random idea I came up with. I plan to make this a multi-fic that is pretty much every idea Smeagol has to kill Sam, so it's all going to be in his POV. There will most likely be mentions of Frodo, depending, but we'll just see where it goes :) Anyway, I hope you enjoy! Reviews are cherished ;)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own this. This belongs to the amazing creators of _Lord of the Rings_**

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Chapter 1: "First Death"

_Idiot._

_What an idiot. That stupid, fat hobbit tries to controls us, but no! We sooooo won't lets him. No. Can't have that. He's just stupid and fat and ugly and…brute. He beats up poor, defenseless Smeagol._

_Let's kill him._

_Yessss…_

**Plan A:**

We have it! We'll kill him…with wolves! Yes! Yes, the wolvesis will come in the deepest night and _attack _the fat one! YES!

No…will there be a trace to Smeagol? No. No, no. Smeagol needs his handses clean (to others, even though he _will_ send the hobbit to his deaths). What to do then? The wolves are common around the world. Are there wolves…in the Shire place though? Oh, no! There aren't any!

Idiot, idiot, idiot!

Ohhhhh…forget that. We take that whole part back (not whole, just the wolf). We won't use wolves. There aren't any in the Shire so they will catch Smeagol and he won't be able to gets out of that trap. We will be caught.

Oh! What would Master do if he found out we killed his _friend_? He will look at us with betrayal and anger and…..ahhhhhh! Send us aways! Ahhhhhhhhhhh! Smeagol doesn't want that's! No! Never! That is _not_ ideal for us!

We just won't get caught. Yessss. Perfect plan. Wolves are too risky. We can't risk the wolves. They'll be the sending away of us and get us into troubles with the Master. We need something elses…what though? We need something ferocious, wild, fast…and will _eat_ the hobbits (the fat hobbit, not Master). Hmmmmmm….and won't put any suspicions on us.

Cheetahs!

Yes! Yes, cheetahs will do the trick! There's _no_ way they can trace those back to us. No. Not poor Smeagol. Where would _he _get a cheetah? What _is_ cheetah anyways? A ferocious, wild, fast and hobbit-eating cat…? What?!

Poor hobbit…

Not! (Haha).

So we will starts by catching the cheetahs and bringing them to the woodses behind the Hobbiton town.

Easy.

Now for the hardest part. How do you lure a fat hobbit out to the woodses that has wild cheetah cats in it?

A set up?

Perhaps…

We'll just lure him out there, how 'bout? Yessss. We will plant those…ugh. Awful _taters_ out there and tell him some _vile_ creature has stole them in the night and eh has to hurry quick to gets them back. We will show him the way and when we gets to the woods…BAM!

Hmmmmmm…how to keep the cheetahs restrained? Oh, three will do. Four is too much to handle and two won't do the job. Not how we want it done. Not effective with just twos. Fat hobbit could scream during that time and then it will be ruins. All ruined. Three will do and we'll tie them to a tree stump until Smeagol gets there to let loose the beastes.

We'll also take part of his garden out there. Leave a trail, we think, (of soil and perhaps purple flowers) that lead to the woodses. Yes! The taters and his _preeeeeeecioussss_ flowers should do the trick.

Eureka!

We can't wait. Soon (very soon) the fat hobbit with the stupid brain. Will. Be. DEAD! (Hahahaha!)

We just need to get those cheetahs first…

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**Well, there it is! I hope you enjoyed it! This is mostly just a rant so that's why it seems to be all over the place ;P Also, if you see any typos then they are most likely on purpose. The weird spellings of the words just seem to fit Smeagol's unique voice better.**


	2. Chapter 2: Second Death

**A/N:** Here's chapter two! Enjoy :)

**Disclaimer: **Once again, LOTR belongs to J.R.R. Tolkien and the song lyrics are from Sir Sly's "Gold".

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Chapter 2: "Second Death"

…_stupic cheetahs. Who's idea was it to go with those crazy catses?! Gollum! Gollum!_

_No. It was ussss. We came up with this ideas. It came from Smeagol's good brain. It was such a good plan though! Whyyyyyy?! _

_Too many flawses. Cheetah cats don't live in Middle Earth! There are none! Ahhhhhh!_

_Dumb plan. It was perfect expect for that. We'll have to comes up with more._

_Yessss._

**Plan B**

New plan, new ideases. We won't depend on wild animalses anymore. That plans will trash on Smeagol and we don't want that. Nothing to hurt us.

Sooo...what to do now? New plan, new ideases. What can Smeagol think of?

Ohhhhhhh! It's almost October! Master's favorites monthses!

Yesss.

Eureka!

We've gots it. Master will be so absorbed with his favorites season that he won't pay as much attentions to the fat hobbit. That's perfect for Smeagol. We can work with this, yesss.

Aha! We has its! Eureka again! (Hahahaha)

Fall. The season is fall, not falling literally (that could be another good plan though. We'll remembers it for next one).

Anyway! Fall is the season. October will be the month. Harvest season. Yessss. Lots of plants growing. Lots of…pumpkins.

We will kill him with pumpkins, we think. That sounds goodses to us. That'll be funs.

Some pumpkin pleasure, how 'bout?

The pumpkins will kill him and Smeagol will be pleased for him to finally be dead. We like this. No one (and we mean _no one_) will _ever_ suspect us! Perfect. Just perfectly ideal. This is going to be great. Our dreams are coming true.

Most. Yesss. Most. Not all our dreams since that would be impossible for us. The precious was one. Killing the hobbit (again…not Master) is another. Making Master happy is third and it could be fifty-fifty depending on his reaction to the dumb one's death. Smeagol will see. Oh, yes. Yes, we will see.

"_Maybe talking crazy, but I want it._

_A hundred thousand ways to choose it_

_Who the hell is out and who is in?_

_Trouble, maybe I'm too subtle_

_Mouth made of metal, metal, metal_

_Pocket full of yellow, yellow_

_Pocket full of gold_

_And I hope you find_

_I hope you find your dream"_

Anyway, the _plan_!

…is this. We will plant pumpkins.

No. Bad ideas. There already pumpkins planted, idiot (yessss. We directed that at ourselves). Farmer Cotton, _Rosie's_ father, plants pumpkins. Giantses of pumpkins. It's perfect. They will be planted and full grown gourdes by this point. Halloween is just around the corner ( a small month ½ away) and he needs pumpkins, full grown and healthy, to make those faces on the pumpkins. The Jack things. Jack o'lanterns. Yesssss. He needs those. It wouldn't be right without them and he knowses it. It's true.

He has them. _That's_ where Smeagol will find the pumpkins.

Ideal is here! Thank you for visiting us. We appreciate it and will return the favor somehow. Have a juicy pumpkin, how 'bout? That will absolutely repay our debts to yous. Smeagol is happy and grateful. No sad. No reason to be sad. No…not now. Not now that we can _kill_ the stupid, fat hobbit!

How to kill him with a pumpkin, though? We don't know.

Waits! Yesssssss!

We'll smash it on his headses! (Hahahahahaha)

When…?

October festivities!

The hobbitses, even that one, visit the Green Dragons. That pub place, you know? Frequent hot spot (Hahaha. Mount Doom is one too) for the little hobbitses.

They will go. _He_ will go. And they will have drinks and merry times. Have fun, fatty. Then! On the walk home, Master will go one way and the fat hobbit will go another. Smeagol was at home sick. He was feeling , cough cough, awful. So sick. He stayed behind. He will be out in the darkness of darks when the hobbit goes his own ways and then…we'll get him. From behind, Smeagol will smash his fat head with the fat pumpkin. Ironic, yesss?

Then. He. Will. Be. DEAD! Again!

Perfect! This is perfect! A better idea than those cheetahs. Greatses.

This will do and we'll be happies.

Hurry up, October…come to play with Smeagol.


	3. Chapter 3: Third Death

**A/N: Hey! Sorry for the late update. School's kept me busy this past week. But to make it up to you…I've posted two chapters this week. I'll try my best to update more regularly. I appreciate all of you for remaining patient and sticking with this story. It means a lot to me. Anyway, here it is. Enjoy! :)**

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Chapter 3: "Third Death"

_We have an issue. Fall is too far away! That's too long for us to waitses! Smeagol can be patient, yesss. He knows that and does that, but it's still so longs. It's another good plan, though…no. No, it isn't! What were we thinkings?! That pumpkin would put blood on our handses! Nooooooo! That's the last thing we want (almost). _

_Besideses…how would we explain our strange and coincidental disappearance to Master? We would play sick then slip away and be gone when Master would be home. He cares so he would (obviously) check on poor, sick us._

_No. We need…a new plan. Scratch that one. Just get away from us!_

**Plan C**

We've calmed down now to the point that our minds has now started reeling in juicy new schemes. We has it now! Last journal entry (we looked back at it, see?) we threw out an unintentional good plan. Almost genius!

He falls.

Look, here. Look at this, _nice_ hobbit. It's a raaaaaaail! Come see. Yesssss. This view…will just _kill_ you to see. We swears. Literally…it's going to take your breath away, fat one. Come see. Come to the balcony. Come, come.

And then…we push it.

Simple.

Easy.

Quick…

We're not so sures if we like that aspects anymores. We want the fat hobbit, the stupid one, stupidest of all the hobbitses to suffer. It's what he deserves for what he's done to usssss. Smeagol has been dealt crappy handses. Shoddy business that is and it makes us…angries. We don't like him one measly bitses. He insults us everyday, calling us nameses that aren't _our_ name. No…Master is the one who reminded us of our name. He is who we owe debtses to. We thank the Master of the precious for retrieving what we once were (however big or small). Master did the most to help us. He _cares_ about Smeagol. Others…no. Others only ridicule the day out of our minds.

"Stinker."

"Slinker."

"Sneak."

"Creature."

"Vermin."

"Vile…(no. We call ourselves that. Hahaha.)"

"Filth."

"Wretch."

"Wretched filth…"

"…Gollum."

We've hads it! No mas! _No mas_!

Kill the dumb fat one! KILL HIM!

Idiot…


	4. Chapter 4: Fourth Death

**A/N: A quick disclaimer for the quote in this chapter. It's from Poe's "The Pit and the Pendulum." Enjoy ;)**

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Chapter 4: "Fourth Death"

_We had a meltdown._

**Plan D**

We've calmed down…agains. We gets carried away with these things. Main points, though: falling plan=bad. We don't like it and it's going away, all the ways to Timbuktu. That's where it belongs and that's where it stays until Smeagol says so.

New plan will be…Poe.

Edgar Allan Poe. He's really the masterminds behind perfect deaths (the gruesome ones). We'll take a leaf, just one, out of his book and put it to real use. Just a small one that would give us the proper satisfactions we wanted.

The Pit and the Pendulum!

Eureka!

Yessssss! It's one of his _besteses_! We enjoyed the twist and turns of the pendulum as it slowly…_slowly_…killed the man.

Yesss…this is the one. Perhaps. We're going to gives more thought to its, but for now…we likes it. Loads.

Oh! The _plan_!

Blood! Splatter! Splashes everywhere and Smeagol…well, Smeagol will only end up touching the rope that sets off the giant metallic death monster.

It's brilliant! Even _more_ genius than before!

So, we'll just nab him. That has the chances of working. Like with our pumpkin patch plan. Instead, we'll get him on a _regular_ day. He walks home (alone) every nights. Walks Master to the doors then walks on. Away. That's the best time of the day. When it's just us and Master. We have drinken teas together and laughed over eggses (mostly us since Master doesn't like eggses as much as us). Those were the best of times.

And with the fat hobbit…the worst. Absolute.

Ahhhhhh! We sidetracked our minds again! Nooooo!

Let's continue with our plan instead, how 'bout?

Yesss. The _plan_.

Smeagol will grab the fat hobbit. We'll tell Master we want to go fishing (and we will) and walk out for an itsy bitsy. We'll come back laters with some fishes to cover up our alibi. Make our story plausible, you know?

But back to the actual plot (the diabolical one). We'll put a black sack over his fat head…similar to the one that cruel man used against us! Ohhhhh…ughhhhhhh. We hates him. So muches. We don't know _who_ we hate more. It's between that cruel man (the captain one), the dumb white wizard, and the stupid fat hobbit. Difficult. Difficult for us. We don't know. It's too conflicting of feelings for us to decide. Maybe laters. Yess. Perhaps then.

We'll grab and gag him then drag him away.

We're strong so it won't be difficult. Easy peasy.

…one two threesie (Hahaha).

Hm…he could struggle. Yes, precious, he could. He could struggle. We'll just knock him out, how 'bout? That'll be easier than dragging him away. Just get one of the rockses from the grounds and _boom_! Out!

Joy!

Next step is to drag the fat hobbits away. Through the woods and under the bridges. We'll pay the troll (get it?) so we can get across. After miles of this stretch through the wilds of the Shires and the water of the Shires…we'll be far enough away to escape any suspicions. No one will find him (smell or sound or sight). We're in the clear. There…we will have a cave. Simple caves, but still perfect uses for our plan. This is great.

Next! A long table will be in the middle of the caves (wood perhaps) and we'll strap him down. With _chains_. No one can get out of _those_. Never unless they have razor sharp teeth. Like shark teeth. Ewww. Who would have that in their mouths? Not normal…then again…neither are WE! (Hahaha)

We'll spread him out with the chains wrapped tightest tights around his arms, legs and fat middle. Can't have him squirming.

Then…from above…the penultimate _pendulum_! Yesss! Yessssssssss!

We'll take off the blindfold then and wait.

When he wakes up we'll let it go. Then we'll just watch, we think. Sounds best to us.

"_The agony of my soul found vent in one loud, long and final scream of despair."_

-**Edgar Allan Poe**

That's what we want. That's what we want to hear. The agony…as he dies. Slow and painful.

Perfect…

He'll die for sure this time. There's no way out. No…not for him. He's…done.


	5. Chapter 5: Fifth Death

**A/N: Hi! I'm so sorry for the wait! There was serious writer's block, but now I've been inspired and I hope you guys enjoy the most recent chapter :) I'll try to update more regularly in the future.**

Chapter 5: "Fifth Death"

…_we've been so uninspired latelies. Where did all the ideases go? We don't get it. Work! Work, mind!_

**Plan E:**

We got one. Perfect.

So many peopleses have blue eyes. It's so popular that it's not even funnies. Why? Why do so many have the blue eyeses? It's a pretty color so we guess it can't be blamed. We have the color and Master has the color.

Who else?

Lots! Loads! Listing them all outses isn't necessary!

The fat hobbit has the eyes. There's soooooo many! What would one less hurt?

…it'll hurt Master.

No! It won't hurt him the same ways. It's not like we're killing him this time. Just incapacitating its. Maybe the lack of eyeses will make him BETTER! Hahaha! Yessss! Maybe that.

We do good.

It's the right thing for all.

Now that we're convinced we can get on with the PLAN!

Okay, so…poking out the eyes. How to do it?

We don't want to use OUR handses. That would be too messy. We don't want the blood on our hands. (Haha. Double meaning.)…(not really. He's not dying. Noooo.)

What's in the houses? Glass (ooh!), candles (too waxy. Haha), or kitchen knife. No, too gruesomes. We don't want to use the knife. We don't want to be Norman Bates. We're not psycho! No! No, not at all!

Glass! Yesss. We remembered we liked that one. It's good, It workses.

What things are made out of glass? Oh! The windows!

Duh.

Perf.

So, we just smash his heads in. Eureka!

No, no, no, no! Too much. There would be evidences. Blood on the glass, fingerprints from good Smeagol's fingertips, maybe some hairs. Too risky…

So not the window.

Cup! Yes! We can go shopping! In the man's world they have to have those glass cupses somewhere. In a shop.

We'll dress up as a grandpa, how 'bout? Yessss. This plan is even fun for _us_sss. We can show off our acting skillses. Haha!

First, we find a wig. No. Dumb. Old people can be bald. We certainly are! We're 600 plus!

A coat. A gentleman's coat. We can dress up as an old man of high society. We'll bring along the coinage in our fancy coin purse that we'll keep in our pocketses (haha. What has it got in its pocketses? …not funny. Idiot.)

Then we search. We search for the glasses. And then…we will finds it. And take it for me! Not Gollum! Not the precious! Me! Smeeeeeagooool!

And then we use it to kill the fat one.

No! No, no! Idiot. We're not killing him. Just putting him through lots of pain by stabbing glass through his eyes. Not kill. No.

We'll have to catch him unawares. It seems to work best with every plan we've had so far. Does he get drunk?

No, dumb question. He's more like the designated sober driver type. Not the drunk and stumbling home type. Darns! Why can't he be the drunk and stumbling home type? It would make Smeagol's life sooooo much easier!

Oh well. We'll nab him when he's working alone in his garden.

His back will be turned. We'll approach, soft and quiet, and then tap the fat hobbit on his fat shoulder. So unassuming…haha. He'll turn and we'll have the broken glass ready in our waiting hands. Then we attack! We stab the glass into his blue eyeses! Put them out!

Say goodbye to the lights, fatty. They're almost gone. For you.


	6. Chapter 6: Sixth Death

Chapter 6: "Sixth Death"

…_lame plan. His eyes AREN'T blue! They're hazel! Close to dumb brown! Idiot. Idiot! Let's come up with a Hobbitses special, how 'bout?_

**Plan F:**

Here we go. Most diabolical one EVER.

We.

Will.

Throw.

The.

Fat Hobbit.

Into.

The.

River!

Hahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

It's brilliant, brilliant!_ Yessssss_!

How to do it, though?

Ooh! We're stronger than his fat booty! We'll just pick him up and drop him in!

Genius!

…but how to get him to the river?

Oh. Duh. A picnic (the bestest solution).

A picnic! We can even plan out the meal. We'll have chicken (gooooooooood yummy chicken), and maybe even a salad. Ooooooh!

No…no. No, no. Not that. What are we? We sound like one of those civilized hobbitses. Not that many of them are even that civilized. Stuffing their fat faces with fat food. Dumb food hurts our throats. Hobbit food….we were thankful to Master for trying with us. He's the only one….the only one who cared about us. Good Master…

Ha! Stop! We have to go after the fat hobbit! He's messing everything up!

How?

How? We don't know. He just is. He's stupid. Who needs another stupid person? We already realized we messed up with the eye plan. There's less other blue eyes people than we thought so that can't be our excuse to kill him.

…not that we need an excuse. Of course not! No! We'll kill him because we wants to. Yes! He needs to die! No excuse needed.

We don't want to be caught. That's our only reserves. _Yessss._

Oh! The picnic! Chicken and taters. That's it. No, no! We don't like taters. Those dumb taters. Hahahaha. The fat hobbit likes them thoughs so it may work in smart Smeagol's favor to have them. Yes. The fat hobbit will be more willing to eat the picnics with us if the taters are part of the meals.

Perf. Just perf.

Then…when the fat one is stuffing his face (while Master's not looking, hahahaha) we'll lure him to the river. How to lure him? We'll use food, how 'bout? Those taters he loves so much.

Ooh! Or flowers! Before the picnic, we will sneakily steal flowers from his so much loved garden! He loves them more than the taters! Yessss! Jolly good! We'll uproot those dumb pretty things and hide them behind our backses. Then we'll keep them hidden. Until the meal is over, how 'bout?

After eating, we'll walk towards the river. Then turn! And dangle the flowers in front of him, throwing taunts this way and that, pointed at him and his fat self. Dummy. He'll be so blinded by rage (anger he only ever feels towards usssss for some reason) that we said those things and tore up his preciousssss plantses that he'll lunge. But Smeagol's too smart for him. Yesssss. Yes, he is. We only have to step out of the way and _plop!_

Into the river he'll go! Yay! And he'll struggle and struggle. The fat hobbit will, but boohoo. He can't swim! Hahahaha! Poor helpless little hobbit. His hand will be extended, his dumb hazel eyes pleading. Pleading for Smeagol to show grace, mercy, to save him. But _noooo_. We won't. He'll sink and fall, fall, fall down to the bottom of the cursed rivers. And he'll drown.

The last person he'll see will be _ussss_. Smeagol. His murderer. And his last thought will be of betrayal. Smeagol, trusted by Master, was his doom. He never had a chance of stopping us. We're too determined and we don't care. We'll kill if we're pushed.

Funny…history must repeat itself around us.


End file.
